Breaking Down (and Rebuilding) at a 10-Day Silent Retreat

I am a changed woman.

The author at Marcoola Beach, Australia

I consider myself a self-aware person. I’ve been practicing yoga and meditation for the last three years. I journal every day. I’ve been working with my therapist for the last 2 ½ years. I read countless self-help, business, and spirituality books. I stopped drinking alcohol a year ago when I noticed how much more improved my life was without it. I treat my body right with clean food and I prioritize my mental health.

Even still, that did not prepare me for the inner journey that I would go on during the 10-day silent meditation retreat known as Vipassana.

On a friend’s recommendation, I decided to sign up for a Vipassana course on the Sunshine Coast in Australia. It is a fairly simple process; however, you have to sign up 4–5 months before the actual course and spots fill up very quickly — in a matter of minutes. This was back in July and I mostly forgot all about it until a few days before the course.

Then I panicked. And my thoughts went haywire.

Wait. What is Vipassana? Why am I wasting 10 days to sit still and do NOTHING? What if I don’t gain anything from it?

My friend consoled me, and I was back in the game. Flash forward to October 31st, 2018 on a beautiful sunny Wednesday afternoon and I was dropped off in front of the center. It was secluded in nature with tall trees all around us. I lugged my 20-kilo bag (with an assortment of flowy clothing that would cover my modesty) up the ramp and landed on a brown deck. There I left my luggage and then went inside a dining hall to check in for orientation.

There were rows of tables and a few anxious-looking women sitting at different tables filling in paperwork or waiting to be checked in. I followed suit, grabbing paper and pen to answer some mandatory questions around my meditation experience, mental and physical health history, substances used and more.

After waiting for 15 minutes, I met with my course manager, Ayako, who went over basic rules and explained where my room was located. I then slid over to the next table to hand over my iPhone, Kindle, and wallet. All my worldly possessions which I would not have access to for 10 days.

Feeling considerably lighter I grabbed my luggage and trekked over to my room — M4. There I was surprised to see that I would be sharing the room with another woman. I had been warned that no contact with other students was allowed — this included eye contact, gestures, physical touching, and the obvious one of not talking. I had also expected to have my own room to make the above stipulations easier. BAM — another expectation shattered.

My roommate was from Spain originally and had lived in a Hare Krishna community in Byron Bay for three months before arriving. She seemed nice. We made awkward small talk knowing full well this would be short-lived.

The room was modest, built like a small cabin with two twin beds on both sides of the room and bed stands with a lamp near each bed. I made my bed and read the schedule for our course which was hanging on the door.

10 Day Vipassana Course Timetable

4 AM — morning wake up bell

4:30–6:30 AM — meditate in the hall or in your own room

6:30–8:30 AM — breakfast and rest

8–9 AM — group meditation in the hall

9–11 AM — meditate in the hall or in your own room

11 AM — 12 PM — lunch

12–1 PM — rest and interviews with the teacher

1–2:30 PM * — meditate in the hall or in your own room

2:30–3:30 PM — group meditation in the hall

3:30–5 PM — meditate in the hall or in your own room

5–6 PM — tea break

6–7 PM — group meditation in the hall

7–8:15 PM — evening discourse

8:15–9 PM — group meditation

9 PM — rest OR

9–9:30 PM — can ask teacher questions

10 PM — lights out

I slowly nodded looking at the schedule thinking to myself — yes, I can do this. I got this. The sound of a gong disrupted my inner dialogue. It was time for dinner and orientation.

During the 1-hour dinner, I got to know some of my female peers. There were a few nurses, a personal trainer, an artist, a stay at home mom, a Ph.D. student, someone who was about to take the course for the 5th time, an assortment of backgrounds and ages.

This was followed by orientation where a man (that I wouldn’t see again until the 11th day) spoke about the rules. No contact with the opposite sex. No yoga or physical exercise. No writing, dancing, singing, outside food or drink. The obvious one of no talking.

This went on for an hour and then a loud gong signaled the beginning of the course.

Over course of the 10 days, I had intense ups and downs. The 7–8 hours of sitting every day brought new pains into different parts of my body. I would go from clutching my knee to rubbing my back wondering what in the world I was doing there. There were a few meditations where I could not sit still and left the hall in tears. Days where I thought it would never end and I questioned the technique itself. Some days I paced the surrounding areas certain that I had landed in prison.

I visited my teacher on the 8th day feeling frantic and overwhelmed clenching my hands for dear life.

“I feel like I am receiving so many messages. I feel so overwhelmed. What do I do about everything that I am realizing?!”

She peered down at me from her elevated seat and moved in a bit closer to say,

“I, I, I.

Get out of your head and see the world around you. Stop intellectualizing everything.”

Not feeling any better I left but this time with a renewed focus to stop analyzing everything to death in my mind.

However slowly and surely, I began to appreciate the little things. Showering became my favorite hobby. I relished making tea. There were kangaroos that lived on the grounds and watching the joeys with their mothers was a heartwarming exercise.

The gratitude began to slowly seep in amongst the confusion.

I noticed the biggest impact on myself the days following the end of the retreat. Music sounded better, food tasted sweeter, and an overwhelming amount of gratitude settled in my being. I felt an internal shift and noticed a wider perspective in everything. I was more accepting of my flaws and felt at home in my body. I felt more connected to everything in a deeper way. I started to feel “see everyone in yourself” at a heart level. It was only 10 days of solitude, but it left a great effect of connectivity to everything around me. I wanted to chat with everyone. Learn about their lives, struggles, and achievements. We are truly more alike than different with the same hopes, dreams, and obstacles.

I learned to get out of my head and focus more on those around me.

This quote resonated with me the week I read it after the retreat in a profound way:

“The more one forgets himself — by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love — the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

I feel calmer now and confident in myself. Things that would normally worry me — don’t. I feel like I have leveled up in myself. In the next few days after the retreat, I had the big decision to make on whether to stay in Australia or move to New Orleans with my significant other. This would have normally thrown me into a state of worrying and planning for weeks but instead, I let the decision come to me when the time was right.

My roommate said something profound that has stuck with me since. “We use worrying as a form of entertainment.” She spent the first 2 days of the course obsessing about where to go after the retreat and trying to plan how she would get there. Then finally she realized she was using this to escape the current reality at hand. At the end of the course, she happened to speak with another woman who owned a hostel and offered her stay for free. Things worked out without her having to worry relentlessly.

I truly believe that the world would be a better place if everyone experienced a 10-day silent retreat. There is so much beauty in the world that we completely ignore because we’re not paying attention. The fact that we are not more amazed by the fact that we are alive right now is shocking.

Be present. Good or bad — things always change. We only have the now.

I was so changed that I am attending another 10-day silent retreat in Nepal this year. I cannot wait.

TO VIEW THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE ON MEDIUM, CLICK HERE.